


speak slow, tell me love

by YNK



Category: So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-09 15:22:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YNK/pseuds/YNK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble collection focusing on Jessica, falling for and failing in ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	speak slow, tell me love

_(from [then] on things would never be the same)_

“American girl!” The voice nearly breaks Jessica Jung’s eardrums and she winces both at the sound and the sight that is Stephanie Hwang. (Little does she know how easily both would later break her heart.)

\---

_(it’s not a [surprise] if you already know)_

And then she sings. It’s uncontrolled, of course – this is Tiffany we’re talking about – but Jessica winces not because it’s loud but because it’s so _raw_. (No one notices the damp spots on the edges of her sleeves when it’s over.)

\---

_([home] is where – )_

“I shouldn’t miss it,” Tiffany says, her voice and smile wavering as she tries not to cry and failing all the more, “But I miss home.” Jessica tries to wipe the tears away but soon there are too many and they end up spilling over her fingers. So she gives up trying to stop them and just holds the other girl instead. (“I’ll be your home,” Jessica whispers, but Tiffany doesn’t seem to hear her over the sound of her own crying.) 

\---

_(it’s the way the [morning] lights up her eyes)_

She wakes up laughing, her hands grasping at the fingers still tickling her sides. Tiffany continues even though Jessica is awake and they laugh so much, they end up falling off the bed. (“You were supposed to wake her up, not kill each other,” Taeyeon mutters as she puts a band-aid on Tiffany’s knee.)

\---

_(just another day where i [fall] more into you)_

“Let’s go in this store!” Tiffany squeals and you have no choice but to follow, considering that she’s taken your hand hostage. (You’d laugh if you weren’t so worried about tripping and being dragged across the floor.)

\---

_(we were [young] and wild and free)_

Jessica’s learned to stop shivering every time she sings with Tiffany but she can’t stop her heart from fluttering whenever their eyes meet. _“It isn’t too hard to see, we’re in –”_

\---

_(who knows [when] or how or why; all that matters is that it’s you)_

‘When did this happen?’ Jessica suddenly wonders when she feels her breath catch as Tiffany takes her hand. _(‘When did I fall in love with you?’)_

\---

_(even if you whisper it [outloud]…)_

A look held, a hug shared, fingers intertwined. But she doesn’t know – no, she doesn’t know what you don’t say – 

\---

_(…but only say it if you [mean] it)_

She had meant to say that Tiffany had picked out a nice dress, that her shoes looked cute, and her earrings too. But somewhere between her heart and her mouth, her head had gotten in the way. Jessica didn’t even know what exactly she had said, only that Tiffany had answered with a shove and an angry (almost heartbroken) look on her face.

\---

_(give you [empty promises] in exchange for hope)_

“We’ll always be So Nyuh Shi Dae! We’ll be together always!” The others laugh fondly at her enthusiasm and Jessica nods in agreement. But her smile is checked by a voice in her head that can’t help but doubt.

\---

_([walking away] is not the same as heartbreak: Y/N)_

It’s the way her eyes light up and how she twirls her hair, that laugh, that smile, that coquettish air that makes Jessica realize _(those will never be meant for you)_. She turns and starts to walk away, noticing even more of the men’s gazes lingering where her eyes _(and nothing more)_ had been. 

\---

_(don’t you know by now? nothing goes [according to plan])_

She’s happy for you, like you knew she would, even though you wish she wouldn’t. She hugs you tightly, her high-pitched squealing breaking your ears and your heart. (This is when you realize that it was doomed right from the start.)

\---

_([excuses] – i’ve heard them all before)_

“I’ve got a lot of work to do tonight.” “Maybe next time, Tiffany, I’m not feeling so well.” “I’m sorry, my boyfriend already made plans.” “I don’t think I’ll be back by then…”

Sometimes it scared her how easy it was to lie. (What scared her more was that she was always believed.)

\---

_([what i am to you], is not what you mean to me)_

“I don’t know what else I can give you.” He storms out, grabbing his coat and his keys and she knows as the door slams behind him that it won't be long before he remembers not to bring the latter. (Contrary to what he believed, it was never about her wanting more.) 

\---

_([hindsight] 20/20; the better to hurt you, my dear)_

‘The worst thing about being alone,’ she thinks as she finds a box filled with faded handwritten notes and pictures without frames, ‘Is that there’s so much time to _think._ ’

\---

_(keep me under [lock and key]; i’ll find a way out somehow)_

“It’s fine.” And they let her be, even though she’s obviously anything but. (There’s only so much they can do if they’re refused to be let in.)

\---

_(you’re standing still, she’s [moving on])_

She smiles, she laughs, she even talks to the guy, but Jessica has yet to tell Tiffany, “Congratulations.” (It would also help if she were to say more than, “Hello” and “How are you” to the other girl after all this time.)

\---

_(bide your words, [bite] your tongue)_

But she’s far from a girl now. He’s obviously aware of this as well and is eager to outline each piece of evidence whenever Tiffany’s within his reach. Jessica joins in the teasing but someone has yet to notice the bitterness that laces her words.

\---

_([something old], something blue)_

“How about you, Jessica? Found someone new yet?” She shakes her head with a smile that she hopes says ‘I’m okay’ and not ‘I never will.’

It’s only when the subject of the conversation changes that she allows her eyes to drift to the opposite side of the room, finding that familiar eye smile without even trying.

\---

_(a [not unpleasant] surprise)_

She had surprised him by accepting his offer to dance, she knew, but he surprised her triple fold: 1) he was a very good dancer, 2) he was wearing CK One, and 3) he started the conversation with, “So you’re the Jessica that Tiffany’s always talking about …”

\---

_([now or never]; fall or fly)_

Several months after their meeting, he gave her – Jessica – an ultimatum. “Make your move or I will,” he said. (She wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a threat or a plea; all she knew was that he was desperate.)

\---

_(until it’s [too late])_

It was a month later, while she was holding a sobbing Tiffany in her arms, screaming about ‘that cheating bastard’ and wailing that she hadn’t been ‘good enough,’ that Jessica realized what he had meant. 

\---

_(so this is [happiness]; where have you been all my life, my l-)_

She had almost forgotten what it felt like, laughing this hard. (It hurt, yes, not being able to breathe, but it also made everything else hurt so much _less._ ) 

\---

_([things change], yes i know they do, but not the way i feel for you)_

Of course _this_ would be the song the girls would choose for them sing. She hears Tiffany laugh softly beside her and Jessica blushes as she lifts the microphone to her lips. It’s a far cry from the stage they shared when they first sang this song; here, the nine of them are crammed into a tiny karaoke booth, half of them wildly drunk, all of them years older. But the words still taste the same when she sings. _“Oh, thinking about all our younger years…”_

\---

_(sometimes it’s easier to just [give in])_

It happened unexpectedly and - judging by how Tiffany hadn’t stopped talking to Hyoyeon - unconsciously. Jessica bit her lip, trying not to smile, but then she wondered why she was trying to hide it in the first place. 

Hesitantly, gently, she squeezed the hand in hers. Tiffany didn’t stop talking but she did glance back at her; then there was no stopping that smile. 

\---

_(even when there are [no words], stories do get written)_

“I wanted to see you.” Her voice trailed off, not having any other reason. Jessica – charmed, surprised, shy – bit her lip and opened the door wider to let her in.

\---

_(just your typical [morning after])_

Jessica winced at the shrill alarm and reached out blindly, refusing to open her eyes. It turned off somehow – whether she’d hit the ‘off’ button or broken it didn’t much matter. She groaned at the pounding that echoed in her head, the sluggish feeling to her body and the bitter dryness in her mouth reminding her of some of the events that had occurred last night. “Shit,” she muttered, squeezing her eyes tight and half-hoping the swearing would alleviate the pain. 

“Shh, don’t talk so loud.” 

Jessica’s eyes shot open (headache gone, heart attack).

\---

_(hold you in my arms, in my dreams; [is this real])_

Bare skin under cotton sheets, smooth, white and bathed in the sunlight’s morning streaks peeking in through her window. Under any other circumstance, Jessica would have thought this was a dream. She rubs her eyes but she’s still there, lying beside her, under the sheets with her. 'Oh god, with _her._ '

\---

_(i’d remember if it was a mistake, but i [can’t speak] what i don’t feel)_

Tiffany’s eyes peak out from underneath her sunlit hair but they narrow with a look too sharp to be attributed to sleepiness. “I know that look,” she says and her voice is burred and deep and serious. “If you say you don’t remember what happened last night, I might have to hurt you.”

Jessica doesn’t speak; neither of them move. (The sunlight should be warm against their shoulders but the silence steals its touch.)

\---

_([thinking of lines] and times when you and i were you and me)_

“Wait,” she cried out desperately, standing barefoot in the middle of the hall. Tiffany rested a hand against the doorknob but stopped it there. 

‘Now what,’ Jessica thought, desperate still. (And silence stepped between them once again.)

\---

_(but [if you go] and leave me, this i swear is true)_

‘Say something,’ her body warned as she watched Tiffany’s shoulders slump when the silence was held too long. 

‘Say something,’ her heart screamed as she watched Tiffany’s hand start to turn and suddenly she’s clinging to the back of Tiffany’s shirt. 

She meant to say ‘Don’t go,’ but “I love you” came out instead.

\---

_([tell me] i no longer need to hide)_

It’s barely a whisper and it’s thick with tears and she wants to say more - how long it’s been, how long she hid, how she lied, please forgive – but all she can do is cry and whisper those same three words over and over and over again...

\---

_(nothing more, nothing less, [just you], only you)_

But when Tiffany turns around, turns around and takes her hands and _kisses_ her, she finally understands. (That was all she ever had to say.) 

\---

_(from [now] on, things would never be the same)_

It’s the sight and sound of Stephanie Hwang that breaks her heart – the curve of her lips as she sleeps, the heartbeat underneath Jessica’s fingertips – and she sighs, feeling the answering breath that tightens around her heart and makes it whole again.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in Soshified.com and my livejournal (y-n-k.livejournal.com) back in 2009. Songs used for titles:
> 
> “Speak Slow” // Tegan and Sara  
> (speak slow, tell me love / even when love wasn’t what you were looking for)
> 
> “Heaven” // Bryan Adams  
> (we were [young] and wild and free)
> 
> “Volcano” // Damien Rice  
> ([what i am to you], is not what you mean to me)
> 
> “Desperately” // Michelle Branch  
> ([thinking of lines] and times when you and i were you and me)
> 
> “Say that you love me” // Martin Nievera  
> (but [if you go] and leave me, this I swear is true)
> 
> “Tell Me” // Makena  
> ([tell me] i no longer need to hide)


End file.
